A horseback riding trip had been organized and
everyone was going through the orientation, i.e. "anyone ever ridden
(seen?) a horse before?", etc.
Everyone's told: "It's simple. The horses are all neck rein trained. Hold the reins in one hand. To turn left, move the reins left. To turn right, move the reins right. If you pull back on the reins, the horse will slow down, then back up. To make the horse go, kick gently."
At this point, someone exclaims: "Oh, I get it, it's a point and kick user interface."
A man's car stalls on a country road.
When he gets out to fix it, a horse in the nearby field comes up along side the
fence and leans over by him. "Your trouble is probably in the
carburetor," says the horse.
Startled, the man jumps back and runs down the road until he meets a farmer. He tells the farmer his story.
"Was it a large white horse with a black mark over the right eye?" asks the farmer.
"Yes, Yes," the man replies.
"Oh, I wouldn't listen to her," says the farmer, "she doesn't know anything about cars."
Horse sense is found usually in people with a stable mind.
My horse is very polite. Whenever we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!
A Real Dressage Test: Basic Level
|A||Enter extraordinary serpentine|
|C||Freeze in horror at Judge's stand. Take opportunity to salute hurriedly.|
|C||Track to left in counterflexed bolt.|
|E||Irregular polyhedron left, 20 meters, plus or less 5 meters|
|FXH||Change rein unextended jig.|
|H||Canter, or counter canter, or crosscanter|
|M-F||Working out-of-hand gallop|
|C||Down center line, working trot bouncing|
|X||Pulley rein. Halt. Salute, exhale.|
|Leave arena in free walk, loose language under breath.|
How to make a small fortune
in the horse industry ...
Start with a large fortune.
The Top Ten
Reasons To Ride Dressage
10. Found ice-fishing too stimulating.
9. I enjoy wearing full formal wear rain or shine.
8. Who wouldn't love spending afternoons riding in circles getting yelled at.
7. Just love subjecting friends and family to my latest equine video spectacular.
6. My chiropractor needs a new car.
5. Wanted to find a place my husband wouldn't go - aka. the barn.
4. Had tired of spending cold winters by the fire, and hot summers by the pool.
3. My lawyer wanted me to have 3 judges.
2. Lived for the sport where I could say "Piaffe" to the judges.
1. I had way too much money in my bank account.
Horse owner's Latin motto: "Equus.....Costus.....Muchus"
How many horses does it take to change a light bulb?...
Warmblood: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Any foal: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Thoroughbred: Just one. And he'll rewire the barn while he's at it.
Shetland pony: I can't reach the stupid lamp.
Morgan: Oh, oh, me, me! Pleeeze let me change the light bulb!!
Quarter Horse: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.
Trakhener: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Akhal-Teke: Zero! AT's aren't afraid of the dark!
Holsteiner: How DARE that light bulb burn out!! How DARE you ask me to change it!! OH!! (Flouncing off)
Appaloosa: No, don't change it. If it's dark, maybe no one will see me raiding the feed room.
Arab: That's what we pay the help for. I'll just chew on his shirttail while he's at it.
Connemara: We'll just be after havin' a nip of the Bushmill's, we will, and then we'll not be noticin' the light.
Andalusian: Let the maid do it. I need to go roll in the mud.
Clydesdale: Och, and ye'll just be usin' up the 'lectricity, ye' will, better tae use a wee bit of candle...better yet tae not waste either and just gae tae sleep when the sun gaes doon. Electiricity is verra dear.
National Show Horse (fidgeting all the while): Lights? Lights? Where? Do you want me to pose? This is my good side...no, wait, let me get my mane straight...no wait, this angle is all wrong. No, wait, maybe this is my good side. Do you want dramatic..or bold..or maybe sensitive...?
1.If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break down.
2.There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
3.No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
4.The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
5.A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
6.If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did.
7.If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate, you didn't.
7.Hoof picks migrate.
HOW TO INTERPRET the horse CLASSIFIED ADS
BIG TROT - can't canter within a 2-mile straightaway
NICELY STARTED - lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
TOP SHOW HORSE - won a reserve championship 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to a hurricane
HOME BRED - knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch
BOLD - runaway
GOOD MOVER - runaway
ATHLETIC - runaway
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER - runaway
NEEDS EXPERIENCED RIDER - "dead" runaway
DEAD QUIET - just dead
RECENTLY VETTED - someone else found something badly wrong with this horse
BIG BONED - good this has mane and tail or would be mistaken for a cow
DOING COURSES - when tranquilized to the eyeballs and lunged six hours straight before
WELL MANNERED - hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED - hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month
STARTED O/F - started overfeeding because can't ride
SHOULD MATURE 16 HANDS - currently 13 h, dam is 14.2 h, sire is 15 h, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15 h, but this horse will defy his DNA and grow
TO GOOD HOME ONLY - not really for sale unless you can: 1) pay twice what he is worth; 2) allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night; and 3) are willing to sign a 20-page legal document
NO VICES - especially when he wears his muzzle
LIGHT CRIBBER - we can't afford to build any more barns and fences for the buzz saw
NO TIME FOR HIM - he's lucky to be fed
EXCELLENT DISPOSITION - never been out of the stall
CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS - clippity, clippity is the sound his hooves make when he hauls a** across the parking lot when you try to load him.
WEARS BRIDLE WELL: His ears are so freaking big it won't fall off
NICE EYE: only one of course
GOOD DISPOSITION: when buzzed on Ace
BOMB PROOF: When you are wearing full body armor
GREAT TRAIL HORSE: Yep, when you are alone, leading him on a 20 foot rope
and in the indoor arena
GAME: Range cowboy prospect
KID'S HORSE: Great for the child that weighs 190 lb., is 6 feet tall, lifts
weights and wears a hockey helmet.
USED ON HUNTER PACE: Once, then he mowed down the Hunt Master and is now
barred in the lower 48 from Hunt Clubs
LIGHTLY RACED: Only raced 12 times (in a week)
GOOD WITH FARRIER: And his 10 buddies and their handy dandy sling/ace/ropes
NICE TO WORK WITH: when out for the count during clipping (Ace again!)
STALLION PROSPECT: Maimed the vet for life when they tried to castrate him
THBX: It has long legs, must be THB somewhere in there!
ALSO DRIVES: when hooked in the middle of an 8 horse hitch of Belgians
The Dressage Arena
In a numbered order befitting the topic, are the Top Ten Reasons Why
Dressage Arenas Are Lettered The Way They Are:
#10: The letters commemorate the sites of legendary falls by 18th-century
dressage masters: Karl somebody-or-other's stallion launched him into orbit
from the end of one of the long sides, Conrad bought it in the middle of the
far end, Xavier's horse got the urge to lie down and roll right in the
center of the arena, etcetera.
#7: The letters *are* consecutive and in alphabetical order, in a
now-extinct language spoken only by early-18th-century Hanoverian carriage
#9: Hey, after riding five hundred 20m circles in rapid succession, who can
remember the alphabet?
#5:The very first dressage ring was designed by the lowest-bid contractor.
#26:The letters were originally laid out by beleaguered riding pupils to
facilitate pranks on their instructors, in which the pupils would pretend to
be schooling various movements and figures while actually spelling out
slanderous curses, in German, against their cruel and heartless instructors,
their diabolical horses, and whatever silly bastard invented this dressage
thing in the first place.
#4: The letters are actually advertising billboards paid for by Sesame
Street ("This piaffe-passage transition was brought to you by the letter
#9: What, you mean they're NOT in alphabetical order? Hey, that would
explain why nobody else seems to understand how I've organized the office
#2: The other letters in the alphabet are *there*, all right, they're just
invisible - what do you think your horse has been spooking at all these
#17 Well, the letters are *supposed* to be in alphabetical order, but
somebody's Trakehner keeps getting out at night and rearranging them.
And now...(drum roll please)... the #1 Reason Why Dressage Arenas Are Marked
That Way ...
#1: So they can double as landing strips for the invasion force from Planet
Lippinzinger. (The Lipp spaceship is round and white, and can go from Speed
of Light to full halt in just 120 meters. Though sometimes it finishes with
its haunches a little out to the left).
GLOSSARY OF HORSE TERMS
Auction - A popular, social gathering where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset.
Azorturia (Monday Morning Disease) - a condition brought on by showing horses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work or school.
Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern Climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly.
Big Name Trainer - Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's College funds and their IRA's to support them- as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges).
Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.
Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows.
Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.
Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.
Corn - small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots.
Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.
Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way around a show ring.
Feed - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure.
Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).
Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.
Founder - The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I found'er."
Gallop- The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn.
Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.
Green Broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the Big Name Trainer...
Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.
Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.
Heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.
Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.
Hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.
Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing.
Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.
Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.
Lungeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.
Manure spreader - Horse traders
Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.
Overreaching - A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season.
Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes.
Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion (and some geldings) when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.
Quarter Cracks - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses.
Quittor - A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.
Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.
Reins - Break-away leather device used to tie horses with.
Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.
Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.
Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show.
Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.
Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.
Stall - What your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles from the closest town.
Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show.
Versatility - an owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.
Weaving - The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road with a rambunctious horse in it.
Whip Marks - The tell-tale raised welts on the
face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low
hanging branch go. (Also caused by a wet or dry horse tail across the face while cleaning hooves)
Windpuffs - Stallion owners. Also applied to used car salesmen.
Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.
Yearling - the age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously.
Youngstock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.
Zoo - The typical atmosphere around most horse farms.
You know you are a horse person when:
*You look at all the piles of laundry sitting
next to your washing machine and most of them are breeches, horse blankets,
saddle pads, etc... plus you don't even care about the horsey hair residue that
will be left in the washer/dryer.
*You trade your yuppie mobile for a truck, so you can better accommodate your horses.
*Your secretary does a "hay check" on
your suit each morning and your first stop in the office is the ladies room to
remove the shavings from your shoes.
*You see the vet more than you see your child's pediatrician.
*You buy about 15 lbs. of carrots a week, but
wouldn't eat a carrot if somebody paid you.
*You say "whoa" to the dog.
*You pass up attractive social invitations because they'd conflict with your lesson schedule.
*The back of your station wagon is an auxiliary tack box.
*You choose your SO partly on the basis of his attachment to your horses.
*Your mother, who has no grandchildren, gets cards addressed to Grandma, signed by the horses and the dog.
*The floor plan of the house you're building accommodates a horse lifestyle.
*You clean a horse's sheath and don't hurl.
*You groom your horse and you haven't been to a beautician in ?
*Your horse gets new shoes more often than you.
*you use the house-hunting trip your new employer
provides to figure out where you will board your horse.
*you often sneak furtively into Laundromats and pretend that you really didn't just put that stinky, filthy horse blanket into the comforter-sized machine.
*you run your tongue over your back molars and idly wonder if they need to be floated.
*you go to the museum with a non-horsey friend and, whilst wandering through the ancient bronzes, suddenly realize he is asking exasperatedly, 'Well? What about the conformation on this one?"
*You hate posing for pictures unless you're on your horse.
*You chirp to, cluck to or spur your truck/car.
*You say whoa to your truck/car.
*You get so mad that you can't get cable TV out at your farm that you put in a satellite dish just so you can get more horse sports coverage
*you have a _terrible_ fall off your horse, and
your only concern is if the horse is okay. (And when you get dragged into the
hospital, you have a hairline fracture in your leg. Trust me, I know!)
*all of your favorite stories involve all your falls off horses, and other near death experiences and you actually LAUGH about the time you got dragged around the field by a spooked horse!
*You get to the checkouts at the grocery and the only things you're buying are 5 gallons of corn oil and 10 pounds of carrots. Oh and maybe a frozen burrito if you have enough money left
*When your bicycle is mostly used as a bridle and saddle rack.
*You know you're a horse person when your sole purpose in buying a five pound coffee can is to use as a grain can.
*You cannot get up for work but wake up an hour too early to make it to the 7 am Hunter Pace
*Your baby shower gifts include a fleece seat
*You do stalls the morning before your labor is to be induced.
*You live with electric fencing tape around the lawn, so the horses can mow it for you.
*you save the hoof shavings for the dog.
*you poke your honey in the ribs, saying, "over", in the kitchen.
*you clean your tack after *every* ride but never ever wash the car.
*you have the worming, lesson and farrier schedules in your head, but frequently miss the kid's piano lessons, girl scouts, or changing the oil in the car.
*you yell at the kids, and the horse's name pops out.
*on rainy days, you organize the tack room, not the house.
*your tax refund is targeted to a new saddle, not the family vacation.
*you are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift. "They really cared!!!"
*you stop channel surfing at Budweiser Clydesdale commercials.
*books and movies are ruined for you if horsemanship references are incorrect.
*You give directions to your house and say, "It has lots of horse trailers in the front yard."
*You pull change from your pocket at work, and hay falls all over.
*Someone says, "Does anyone have a screwdriver?" and you hand them a hoofpick.
*The doctor says the bump on your finger is an inflamed tendon sheath, and you tell him, "Oh, you mean a windpuff."
*You cannot imagine why anyone would think it kinky to own whips.
*The real estate agent asks what kind of house you are looking for, and you say, "More than six acres."
Euphemisms for Falling Off
25. Joining Airborne Equitation International (affectionately known as AAEEEEEEEEEI!).
24. I'm in a transitional relationship with my saddle.
23. Dirt for Dessert.
22. High-fiving a nightcrawler.
21. Swan dive (Water Optional).
20. Lunching at ouch cafe.
19. Spending a little quality time with gravity.
18. Needing X-ray's at X.
17. Checking your girth...from the bottom.
16. Journey To The Center Of Earth.
15. Doing the rootin' tootin', grass-scorching, scare-the-spectators, girth-bustin', worm-burn' boogie.
14. A quick trip to Dirtsville.
13. Trolling for paramedics.
12. Just seeing if the judge was paying attention.
11. A Richter-Scale-5 spot check of footing quality.
10. Insufficient flapping.
9. Studying impact craters at close range.
8. Losing the oxer lottery.
7. Spontaneous retrograde.
6. Pushing down daisies.
5. Turf surfing or dirt diving.
3. A short step-over four feet south of Hermes, France.
2. Vulture baiting.
1. A Farewell to Fine Leather.
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